My First post

What led me here...

This is my first post on substack after joining substack for over 6 months. I have been comtemplating using this platform to journal and write about my matrescence and healing journey as a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser. But of course I would start to overthink what I want my first post to be. All I can hear is the negative chatter and noise in my head saying how I have nothing to write about, you are so boring, no one is ever going to want to read what I wrote, its not good enough, dont publish this, you have never been a writer, you hate writing essays as a kid. WOW, the critical voice is relentless. I call her my super-ego. Thank you Dr Gabor mate for the inspiration.

SO I have decided to ignore the voice and just write what and how I am feeling right now. Even coming up with a title, my superego decides to have a field time at it. I have typed and deleted and retyped it many times.

I have no idea where and how this article is going to go and what is it even about. But I felt compelled to just start writing as an outlet to express everything that is going on in my life. I told my sueprego to go away, it doesnt have to be perfect. Even before I decided to start writing, I made sure to go to my settings to make sure that my account is set to private so no one is going to be able read this and comment on this. Wow, my poor inner child is so worried about judgement.

I have no aim or goal as to where this substack account is going to take me. All I know is that I want to journal and get all my thoughts and insights out somewhere, but I dont like writing with a pen and paper. Even writing with a pen and paper, my superego gotta have field time with me criticising my handwriting etc. I realise this yesterday when I decided to journal and it came up, I found my writing and handwriting cringey. LOL! so here I am writing my first substack post.

If no one is going to read this, does that mean I get to be as raw and unfiltered as I can. That is really liberating! A platform for me to just express everything. Nothing to hide and completely imperfect. As a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser, this is liberating but also a bit of a mindF, can I really just write anything and not worry about anyone judging me. I know only my superego is going to judge me and no one else.

I have lived all my life trying to look like the perfect person and making everyone around me happy, not to upset them especially my dad. This is my superego and my also my ego masks that I wear everyday. It is tiring as hell, and finally burnt me out when I had my first kid during my residency. I am still recovering from that burn out. My nervous system is so used to being in this fight or flight, survival mode that I just dont know how else to live. So this is where the healing start.

My matrescence cracked me wide open, revealed everything that I had been carrying and showed me other ways to live my life. I simply couldnt continue my perfectionistic, controlling and people pleasing ways with no boundaries. It is still a work in progress, a daily work and practice, to uncover the layers.

Here I am right now, 2 kids later, 5 years being a mother, still navigating my matrescence with lots of insights and help from Zoe Blakey from motherkind, Dr Shefali’s work, Gabor mate, and lately really enjoying We can do hard things podcasts by Glenn Doyle, Amanda Doyle and Abby Wambach. I also do regular therapy session with my therapist - Lina. I am recently a graduate of Dr Shefali’s Coaching Institute Cohort 12 and am now a certified conscious parenting and life coach from Dr Shefali’s Coaching institute. I credit alot of my awakening and undoing of my patterns whilst I was at her coaching institute. I might write a post about my experience on there when I feel like it.

Another reason that led me to write my first post on substack is that despite all the work and healing journey I have been doing, I have been feeling rather uninspired at work and home lately. We have all just adjusted to our new life without a helper and have decided to go without one after all our drama that came with all our 3 past helpers. Needless to say, the last 7 months has been a whirlwind navigating this new shift. But I am really proud of all of us including the kids and Nick for adjusting into this new life and our roles so seamlessly. Dont get me wrong, it was a shitshow for a few months, but we are have now gotten use to the routines. Anyway now that the dust has once again settled, things are pretty much in flow state, I have started to feel uninspired and aimless again. I guess my body is so used to being in fight or flight state, that the current peacefulness and stillness is really something Im not used to. I am learning to live in this new peace and stillness (until the next storm hits again). Hence I am here exploring writing/ blogging/ journaling on substack and see where this takes me.

Ok, I think this is where this first post ends. I am proud of myself for getting my thoughts out coherently into words on this page and not overthink it or let my superego overtake my head.

Thank you for reading although I dont think anyone is ever gonna read this.